Katie Heart
Sunshine
Sunflower
If you were a thing with wings and you could fly for miles and miles, you might find me down below you all alone smiling in the middle of a field. I am flower, and I am smiling. I know there is a shining God in the sky who ignores the rest. This my time. It is the time of year when I smile the widest. And I am my God's favorite child. I am naked for him. I am his crown. I am the center of the earth made public, singing to the wind and the waving stalks of my brothers and sisters. We all lean into the dance that our mothers taught us. We all stare into the sun like his children. He adores us. He defines us with his yellow love. We couldn't be more humble. We do not trouble ourselves with the beauty of our hearts that paints the countryside like the efforts of Dutch madman. I am proud. There could be no finer star than the one who comes daily. The one who does his work while watching me carefully. He doesn't blink. He studies me as I grow with the hundreds of petals exploding from my dark brown face. My body is a tube and a dancer and a song. I wave this way. I wave to him. I sing my song to him even though he is too far to hear it. He must see my lips move. He can see my chest swell. He knows that the air he warms between us fills my invisible lungs and spills from my mouth. Even though his love grows shorter and sadder with each day that passes and I am becoming a stalk that's dry and dead and turned to food, his blinding love never ends, rising and falling like perfect clockwork. Like a wakeup call and a bedtime story. Like a parent whose love feels like it’s meant only for me and not the seeds I spill endlessly into the wind.
Don Juan,
the Universe
The universe leaps across the river, pirouettes, laughs, cries, and crowds into the bar where I am drinking. The universe is a party, and I am happy to be with him today. Because he is always today. He is always now. My thoughts are now stuck in his moment. The last moment and the next moment are two things that I never want to see. I will never hold them because I am slurring into the ear of the universe. He demands so much of me. He whispers my name because he is the only one who knows it. He whispers 10 billion names, but somehow he finds time to hit on him. I melt. I stretch myself across him, and I feel his power and his love and his light underneath me. His hands wrap around me like skin. I am naked now. He did not make any covenants, so he feels no compulsion to honor them. I know he can banish me. He can send me away with my sins, and then humble me with the endless starlight. There's nothing like being kissed by the universe. You can feel his intentions with perfect grammar and diction. He is a poet of darkness and matter, preaching to an audience of light. He stretches his promise across me, but I know that he owes me nothing. The universe is not benevolent. He is unflinching and unafraid. And as quickly as a star might die, he can just as easily flood the earth without bothering to have anyone build an ark. Without bothering to gather anything two-by-two. We would all just drown and he he wouldn't care for eons and eons and eons.
Want
From the beginning it has been nothing but corruption for me. I have been the object of disease, confiscation, and lust for as long as I can remember. Even before I can remember, I know this has been my story. Let me tell you my story. It’s about being fractured. It’s about turning myself into pieces. Every piece is necessary, but I can't tell you where they are now. They are lost. Someone took a handful of me and kept stealing me over the years of my childhood until the important parts of me were in somebody else's pocket. They were scattered on a bedroom floor, or they circled the drain and escaped into the sea. And now I am spread out everywhere. I don't know where I begin or end. I don't know how to determine what is the top of me or the bottom. The pieces that defined me were carefully taken from me before I even knew anything about pieces or parts. I was heedless. I was unaware. I couldn't speak. I couldn't listen. I didn't know how to say my name, and yet things more important than my name were removed. And now I find that even the parts I still have, I struggle to keep together. They want to escape. They hate being with me. And they hate being together. They are so angry that they were broken and some were stolen and sent out into the world that they have sided with my abuser. There are also the parts that were mined from deep inside of me. They were the parts that should have been protected. But those protectors were not protecting me, and hands that were greedy took those hidden parts of me. And it turns out that these are the parts that held me together. And now I have come apart. You can see it. I can't hide it. I am snatched and coveted and converted into want. I am beaten by desire, and I am coming apart… one molested promise at a time.
Deep
I don't know how he lives with all that pressure. The water is like 100 elephants standing on your head, and yet he swims freely. He is effortless. I've seen him motor through the ocean. It's a ballet. It's breathtaking. I don't think there's anyone who walks on Earth who could be as elegant as he is in the sea. But he hungers for something more. He wants to feel the pressure of suffocation. He wants to walk on the earth. He wants to live the life of a human being. I don't know why he wants this curse because under the water he is a God. I can only imagine that he likes the challenge of it. He is bored. His father and his father's father and his father's father's grandfather have been living this life like a carbon copy for thousands of years. And for some reason he wants to break the pattern. He contacted me through social media, and it was clear I was talking to somebody who was not a native speaker. In fact he wasn't a speaker at all. He knew no English. He knew no human languages. But somehow he managed to tell me that I was beautiful and that I reminded him of black coral. I said there is no black coral. He said that's exactly right. And there's no one else like you. Well like any girl, I love to be sweet talked and there's no one better at it than he. He has a honey tongue. He is willing to do the things you're supposed to do when you want to woo a woman. He took me on dates. We saw movies. We ate lunch in the park. He took me to the zoo but that was short-lived. There were too many who were jealous of him. They glared at him through the bars of their cages. And so we went back to my car, and I drove him to a cabin. We traveled as far away from the sea as we could be. That's what he wanted. We had a picnic. He sliced gorgonzola and made me French cocktails. He loved to find the center of the curls in my hair. You can't know what it's like to have that many hands touching you unless you've been with him and only him. He read poetry to me, in French and Italian and German and his own language. He didn’t know how to read but he found a way. And I knew what he was saying with every umlaut and accent aigu. But it was when he expressed himself in his own tongue that I realized we were deep in love, as deep as the ocean animals swimming at the bottom of the sea. I leaned into him, and he wrapped me in all of his arms. I was his human love, the only love he had ever known on Earth or even in heaven.
What’s in the
Closet?
In the home that you just made your home, you discover that there's paneling in the basement that is actually covering a door. The door is a closet. And the closet is very old. It doesn't seem to have been opened in a long time. In fact there's a very old lock on the door with an old latch. It doesn't take much to break the lock and get the door open. It’s worth the price of the home. It’s worth the mortgage. It’s worth the hours you spent packing everything at one place and unpacking everything here. You thought the basement was dated because of the paneling, but now the date is perfect. What is in the closet? What secrets of the past are hidden there? Why is the door wet? When you pull open the door, the house turns to its side and you realize the closet is a lake. It's warm and dark. You can’t see below the surface, so you jump into the lake without a thought. You know there are things in the water that are hidden and lurking and maybe moving. But the closet is yours now. Its contents are yours. And you will touch everything in the lake because everything in the lake is yours. Even the living things. Even the secret things that wind deftly around your ankles. All of the things in the closet are yours. You will tame them. You will name them. Because now the closet or the lake is your dominion. Your domain. You might find a cabinet full of old papers or a box of children's toys. You might find a school of eels or seahorses or the remains of somebody you used to know. Because even though you have never been in this closet or swam in this lake, it's now yours. The pieces and the parts that you have hidden and you have feared now evolve from the murky depths of this closet mind of yours, and they learn to walk. They grow body parts and become human thoughts and breathe the air that you breathe in this dank and dark basement that you assumed would always flood. You assumed it was here to store your forgotten junk. What you didn't know is that this is the true heart of the house and you are only its tenant.
I Have
Risen
My mood was infinite that Wednesday morning when I woke up with your kisses all over me. We were in bed for days it seemed. I have learned to navigate your body the way a blind man moves around his own apartment. The way he travels from his door to the doors of others and to the bus stop six blocks away. I could keep my eyes closed or the blinds shut. I don't need light to love you. But then you are light. You are all the light in the world, and now I am blind. And the only thing I can see is your love. My skin is your face. My body is your kiss. I am wearing nothing but your arms and legs wrapped around me night and day. You are the serpent, and I eat as many apples as I can fit in my mouth. I am not afraid to sin for you. I am not afraid to make mistakes for you. And maybe that's what love is. Maybe love is being willing to fall down and let the world step on you. Because the world could step on me and break every bone inside of me, and I would gladly be a blanket for you. You could make me into a tent in the middle of your room and hide inside of me with your AM radio and your glass bottles of Classic Coke. You could wear me like a cape and we could fight crime together. We could battle all the bad guys in your comic books. And I can be what you cling to when you sleep each night. I can be your protector. Because I don't blink when you look at me. I would just as soon lose my eyes. I don't want to miss the sliver of a second when it comes to you looking at me. Because I can't breathe. My lungs don't fill. The blood inside my veins forgets to move, and I am a cadaver in front of you. I am dead until you blink. And then I can function. I can come back to life. I can be your Jesus. Move the rock, my love, and find that I have risen. I have risen for you.
Breathing in
the Breezes
I know the world would tell me that it is impossible to be the niece of nature, but I tell you nature is my kin. She speak to me. She is the colors that make me feel most at home. She puts on a kettle and always has milk and sugar. She makes sure the pillows on the couch are clean. The pictures on the television are always straight. The candy jar is full of Hershey's kisses. Nature is a flower. This flower is my great aunt. She lives in a cabin. She welcomes me like a bumblebee. When I approach, she waves in the breeze. We sit in the backyard, and she leans towards me. I feel her wrap me with the love of common blood and ancestors. I bloom with her. I am a flower, too, when I sit with her. I stare off into the universe, and I become so much more than human. She is a beauty that humans don’t know how to see. She knows she will die soon, and so when I am here she does everything she can to remind me that there are things on this planet that are worth the love. So I look with all my eyes, and I see with everything I can. I am constantly reminded that I was not born a flower. I am actually a part of the universe that is most unpleasant. I am a part of the universe that doesn't mind when other things die. As stars explode, I am a part of the universe that doesn't take a moment to remember them. My aunt sheds her pollen for me. She gives it to me freely. She encourages me to take the pollen and make new flowers. Because despite the fact that she embraces and inspires me, I will live longer. I will watch her die. I will press her between the pages of my favorite book by Virginia Woolf because on the first page, Mrs. Dalloway says she will buy the flowers herself. But I can't buy flowers. It is like drinking in a graveyard. There's no joy. My heart breaks as the author kills the poet. And even though I've done nothing wrong, I do feel like I killed my favorite flower. I see the futility of things. I see it with my third eye. My auntie had no eyes. She could see nothing. All she did was feel. All she did was sacrifice one petal after another. And that was love. She was love. She stole the love from the earth and pushed it out into the air, and I now feel like the one with lungs who should be dead instead of here, breathing in the breezes of her perfect backyard.
It’s Been
Too Long
Let's make love, he said. His eyes were two stars that died long ago. He leaned in to me and whispered his request with the breath of lips that hadn’t been kissed in a long time. And here I am with the body that I have borrowed from the ones they sell at boudoir boutiques, and I am listening to him with his raspy, empty voice. I am beyond tempted. Because it has been a lifetime since someone made love to me. Could it be the death of me? Could I even survive such a thing? I don't know. He doesn't flinch. He simply lets his head rest on me, and I can feel there is something inside of him beating. I don't have a heart. There's an empty bottle where my heart used to be. It once held perfume or dry gin or maybe some vital medicine. I don't know, but it's been gone a long time. The only thing that beats in me are the busy fingers of my admirers. I am wanted. I am hunted. I am the candy of the fantasy of everyone who sees me. And they suck on me slowly and for such a long time. They wait before they crunch. Before they bite. Before they swallow me and I am just another shattered regret. And maybe that's why I like him so much because he hasn't tried to chew a single bit of me. He doesn't need to swallow. He doesn't need to kiss. He couldn't if he wanted. His request to be inside of me is impossible and yet it feels so real. I could imagine what it would be like to curl up inside his mouth. To find a quiet corner in his jawbone and to close my eyes and sleep. I could live inside of him, his bony hut, this black chamber. I am tempted to break his heart. Or to break the memory of his heart. Would he even feel it? Can you break a heart that's already dead? Now that's a question I should ask myself, not him. I am the skeleton. I am nothing but bones. The meat that's on me might as well hang in the window of a butcher shop. It doesn't belong to me. It hasn't been mine since puberty. I haven't owned my flesh on my breasts or my hips or my lips for as long as I've had them, to be honest. And if you can understand me, then you can understand why I would be tempted to let him inside of me. Honestly, he's already there. Here I am showing all of you that with my legs spread you will find him there. Like a baby being born or the opening of a dead man’s mausoleum.
Author: Derek Letsch
Artist: Katie Heart
Artist Statement
“Collage artist living in Australia. I make old school handmade collage art from vintage and modern paper cut outs. I use scissors, a scalpel, blu tak, paint & pens to create each remix image. Through art I express my daily emotions, thoughts and experiences. Find me on Instagram at katie_art_heart and I can be contacted through DMs there. Thank you for your support X”